Schneele

So when I was 13 my dog of 9 years passed away, her name was Snowie. Since I live with my dad most of her life I didn't really count her as MY dog but rather my mom's dog. When I moved back to Maryland to live with my mom they had a puppy named Schneele, who I fell in love with. She was the sweetest dog in the world. the past three dogs i've had have been purebred white German Shepherds.

When I moved back Schneele was about 3 months old. I hadn't had a puppy for about 10 years and I didn't know what to do. I was 13 and I was dropped into a new environment school wise. As I went through High school and after, Schneele had been my rock and  my all time best friend.

On August 24th 2016 we had to put her down. She had Degenerative myelopathy; a  progressive disease of the spinal cord in older dogs. The disease has an insidious onset typically between 8 and 14 years of age. It begins with a loss of coordination (ataxia) in the hind limbs. (Defined by Google) 

She couldn't use her back legs and if she needed to use the bathroom she had to do it laying down. We saw her suffering and pain and we knew we had to do right by her. On July 24th 2016 my mom told me it would have to happen before the year is up. On August 22nd my mom told me when, I called my boss and I was heart broken. 

As you can imagine this is very hard to write about. My friend Liz came over and spent the day with me, she stayed in my room while we went through the very traumatic process of putting her down. I had never put an animal down before, so this was all very new to me. Its very hard to think about and tough to write about. So i'll spare the details.

She was a wonderful dog, and I miss her so very much, and I love her more than that. I got her paw print the day she died and soon after I got it tattooed to my body for the world to see. She means the world to me and I will never forget my wonderful puppy. 

Rest in Peace Bubbies You are still my best friend.

Update

Hello Internet,

So all of my old posts are private, and I think that's for the best. I have done a lot of growing up and maturing these past.... six years. I dated a few jerks, got a few more tattoos, and got me a wonderful boy friend.

I traveled to Germany In January 2016 and hopefully will be going back in September of this year. I made this blog to help others during their life journey and to talk about traveling.

I am turning 24 this year and I hope to post at east once a week, which will probably be difficult.

Over the past six years, I have been in some rough spots emotionally. I dated this jerk, and i lost my virginity to him before turning 20. Last year my dog passed away and i've gone through a few jobs. I've decided to change myself for the better.

Sadly, I am not a vegetarian anymore, but i hope one day my road will lead back there. I am focusing on the positive and trying to take care of myself, mentally, emotionally and physically. I have learn a lot and have met some amazing people, gone on this amazing self discovering adventure, and went to a completely different country and my first plane ride alone. I will explain everything though in different posts.

But I am happy at where i am in life and I hope I can help you all and hope you enjoy my life!

Open Letter: Suicide and Bulling

Dear Reader,

         There are a lot of people out there whom think killing yourself is the only way out many reasons to think why you should. Bulling, Feeling alone, Feel like you're a burden to others. I've been there. I've wanted to kill myself because, I was bullied my whole life. I always feel alone, I feel like I'm a burden, and because I lost my best friend, and my ex fiancé. But listen to me and listen good. NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING, Is worth killing yourself over. Yeah the whole romantic thing with Romeo and Juliet is completely stupid.

          Let me tell you my stories. Not a lot to say. I use to be a prep, when I was little, everyone I thought was my friend was two faced, and I was picked on. I moved to New York where i was the new kid and came from Maryland and got picked on for that. Because I sounded different. Then I started to listen to "emo" music and became a poser scene kid, and got picked on for that. Then I became an emo kid, of course bullied in middle school and high school. Now I'm a goth kid, And what? I'M STILL BULLIED AND LOOKED AT LIKE I SHOULD GO DIE? Oh well then surprise, surprise. I made a best friend I'll call her Frankie (yeah defiantly not her name, better then Macy which she'd kill me for), we changed together and she was the only person I trusted. I plaid a game every day going to her house "wait to cross the street when there were cars coming" yeah, wow. So when I wasn't playing that game I really almost got hit by a car. Anyways, When I was ten, I was Ironically on Deviant-Art and these stupid morons were cyber bulling me,  and I felt like I shouldn't be alive, and so I ran into the kitchen and grabbed MY butcher's knife and came really close to breaking skin, I stopped and thought about my life ahead of me. I thought about my mom and my dad. How sad they would be. I didn't have friends, so it didn't matter, but I stopped. Another time was not too long ago; it was because my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. I loved him, with all I had, I didn't have friends, I felt alone, and like I didn't mean anything to anyone. The real point of this letter is to warn you about teen suicide.

        Every 18 minutes someone kills them-self, or attempts to. There are 24 to 80 suicides a day, 2150 attempts a day. Suicide is one of the top 11 causes of death in the United States. Due to bulling, depression and so on. Why do people bully? To make themselves feel better? How could that possible make you feel better? How would you like it if, a kid in your class said "I've had enough" and you saw/heard that, and thought "oh they are being dramatic" or the i give up thing. And didn't see them for a few days then heard they killed themselves BECAUSE YOU BULLIED THEM. It's not just the Goth kids, or the emo kids, or the scene kids. It's the sports kids too. Because they are fat, or "ugly" everyone is beautiful. Maybe not to you but someone will find the beauty on the inside.

       Beauty on the inside is the most important. Maybe just maybe, someone will finally get the word out. THERE'S A THIN FUCKING LINE BETWEEN WORDS AND WOUNDS. Seriously people! How about you get some self-confidence and learn to love ALL BEAUTY, dark beauty, inner beauty: the important beauty. To the people who feel there's nothing left. If you killed yourself, think about the people you have impacted in your life. The people who love you, the people you love. There's out there. Because, I LOVE YOU. I don't know you, but I love you. What's the point in killing yourself? I would love to know. Nothing is worth it. Life might seem too mean; you get past the bullies, and drama. You do, you just have to try. And realize there are people out there.

If you feel like dying is the only way out, it's not you need to get help. What helps me is express how I feel. Write poems, or stories. I am an artist, I made goals to help me, to give me something to live for. Do you know the story of the koi fish? 

Koi fish symbolism came from the Chinese legend of the Dragon Gate where the Koi has triumphantly swam up a waterfall and transformed to a dragon afterward. This is why Koi has become a favorite icon as it stands for a lot of things.

You are just a koi fish swimming in a stream, being pushed back, and one day you'll get to be that dragon. You just have to believe in yourself. You'll swim up that water fall, even though you will have to try your best, I believe in you.

      My name is Alexandra-Leigh Barrett, I have been depressed since I was 9. I found the internet and chat rooms when I was 10. I found something that took me away from all the pain I was feeling. I am glad I left Maryland at 9. I met some of the best friends I've ever met. Kirsty, Brooke, Mortisha, and Andrea. They accepted me for me, and still continue to accept me. If it weren't for them; mostly Andrea, I'd be dead. I love them and I don't think they will ever know how much they mean to me. When I moved back here I became more depressed, until junior year of high school. I realized that I have love around me, Katie, Katreena, Gisella, Kwesi, Jordan, Jeff, Taylor, And more. They are my family. I may not have a deep bond with them anymore. But that happens, you have to try your best to claw your way back in. Point is, when I moved back here, I fell in a deeper depression, until I realized I had these people to love me, and even though freshman and sophomore year I've thought about killing myself, I stopped all those thoughts, because of them. 

Your friends are there, and if you feel you don't have any, message me I'll be your friend. I've been nothing but honest with you. I'm not fake. I will listen to your problems. I've probably been there, I will try to help. My point in all this, is that there will always be someone out there to love you. Family, Friends, people you might not even know who care about you.

I might update this a little later. I hope this helps.
     I know this probably didn't help. But I hope you'll reconsider. I love you. If you die I'll miss you.

Love
 Shane-Bow/Alexandra-Leigh (Varia)

Paranormal shit fest

Hello My Little Monsters,
Today I am going to write about THE PARANORMAL!!!!!! Which ironically RIGHT before I'm on Skype (t) with David or Lawliet and I saw a mist and it just disappeared, I am a big believer in the paranormal. I will get in to my Beliefs in another blog on 9/8/2011.Anyways So many people don't believe in the paranormal, Little monsters. when i say the Paranormal i mean Ghosts, Demons, the unseen, the shadow people and the things no one can explain... not ufos or anything like that i mean GHOSTS. If you really don't know anything about The Paranormal I should suggest researching it, I love the Paranormal. I've had a lot of activity in my house alone.
I'll tell you a few of my stories.
One:
One evening my parent were out at dinner and it was me and my brother at home, he lives in the basement and the house is creaky. I was taking a shower and my curtains are transparent, and I always lock the door. I apply shampoo and as I'm just humming i hear "Ali" clear as day in a male voice I have never heard before. I look towards my door because if felt like i came from the other side of my door, but sounded like it came from the other side of my curtain after a minute of being frozen I continued to wash my hair and after I got out I texted my brother and asked him if he came up stairs and he said no.
Two:
One night I was listening to music and texted my friend Zaqu, I always have the screens facing down and my windows are covered so no light can enter my room at any time of day. My friend Thiago died  February first 2009, I had my eyes closed and out of no where this white, when i say white think of pure white paint, the whitest thing ever, imagine that 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 times whiter. through your eye lids. as I opened my eyes this little red light, that only goes off when moved, went off, three feet away from me on my table.

Three:
Okay so this was three days after my dear Matthew died, Yet again i was sitting in my room listening to music when I suddenly felt like someone was in the room with me. The person felt familiar and I started talking, because I felt that this person was Matt. I told Matt how I felt, how much I missed him and as soon as I broke down crying, I felt as if they put their arms around me say "It's going to be alright, Ali I'll always be here"...

Those are three of MANY stories I could tell you. So the paranormal is real, and I know many people will say it's not, but I believe that you are saying that because you have never had any Paranormal Activity in your house, or where ever you go. I have ghosts in my room alone. They go where I go, and that is annoying. But My little Monsters, please comment or message me with your Ghost stories I'd love to read them.
Also, If you want to find out more about the Paranormal go visit TAPS, if you Know TAPS YAYS, if not please go visit them.TAPS The Atlantic Paranormal Society also known as Ghost Hunters ((tv show)) and these guys wouldn't fake it, us people from Canandaigua NY don't fuck around.. okay maybe a little.They use things like EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) which is a voice recorder that they up on the computer and listen for things that they didn't say or do. Also, they video tape the things that go on. I believe them, and not just because me and the founder have the same home town. But because I believe what they do is real, if something happens, they try and disprove it and if they can't then they mark it down as Paranormal activity.
I will leave a link and hopefully you'll comment and rate <3.

Love always,
Varia Dracule
http://www.the-atlantic-paranormal-society.com/